8 conversation tips to get kids to open up

Growing up in the modern world isn’t easy, and children may struggle with the pressures even more than adults.

The most recent NHS research found one in five children and young people aged eight to 25 had a probable mental health condition, a figure which rose between 2017-2023, most notably in the 17-19 age group.

And on top of that, the number of children and young people referred to emergency mental healthcare rose by 10% between 2023 and 2024, with mental health charity YoungMinds stressing that many of these young people were waiting for NHS support for months, or even years.

But how can parents talk to their children about how they’re feeling, and take action to help them if necessary?

Speaking to mark Children’s Mental Health Week (February 9-15), Dr Rebecca Kirkbride, clinical director of the children’s mental health charity Place2Be, which organises Children’s Mental Health Week, says it’s important to speak to children at a time and place when they feel comfortable.

“It’s going to be about the individual child, so I always suggest parents think about when their child feels most comfortable opening up and talking about things,” she says.

“Most children don’t like being interrogated and obviously it depends on their age, but you might find that if you’re sitting watching telly together or playing a game together, that when you create that safe space, the conversation flows.”

Stevie Goulding, services manager, parent and carers services at YoungMinds, says many young people are experiencing multiple pressures which impact their mental health, including schoolwork worries, relationship issues, and dealing with the online world and social media.

“They’re also adapting to lots of changes as they grow up, which can cause them to express raw emotions and change moods quickly,” she says.

“For parents, it can be hard to know when to be worried about your child’s mental health. Talking to them about their mental health can be hard, and they might struggle to  open up to begin with.”

Tips for starting a conversation about mental health with your child

1. Try general questions initiallyGoulding says asking general questions can help open up conversations with your child, so try asking things like ‘How are you feeling?’, ‘What do you want to talk about?’, or ‘What was the best and worst bit of your day?’.

But she suggests: “If you know there’s something going on, you can ask questions like ‘Do you want to talk about what’s going on?’, or ‘Is there anything you need from me? Space, time to talk, time to do something fun…?’”.

2. Organise an activity you both enjoy togetherDo something together like going for a walk, even if  it’s just to the shops. Goulding says this can make for a more relaxed conversation, pointing out: “Starting with an activity that you both enjoy can help create a relaxed environment.

“Activities like baking, gardening or drawing cartoons of each other, can also help relax your child and encourage them to talk.”

3. Leave silences

Instead of parents filling all the time they’re with their child with chatter, Goulding suggests they leave some silent moments. “This can create space for the child to talk about anything that’s on their mind,” she explains.

4.  Consider starting with an email or text with older childrenOlder children might not want to talk at first, says Goulding, so it might be worth opening a conversation with a digital message.

“Let them know you’re concerned about them and are there if they need you,” she says. “Sending an email or a text can work better if this is the way your child likes to communicate.”

5.  Ask for their opinionAsking children what they think would help them can sometimes be useful, says Goulding. “They often have  good ideas about solving their own problems,” she points out.

6. Take an interest

Kirkbride says parents need to make children aware that they’re interested, because they care.

“The key thing I would say at all ages is be genuinely interested. So say things like ‘I would really love to hear about your day’, or ‘I would really love to understand what’s going on for you. I realise you might not want to talk about it at the moment, but hopefully we can find a space later when you feel like you want to talk about it’.

“Make sure they know you’re curious. You want to know. You want to help, but equally, really be mindful not to put pressure on them.”

7.  Be positive

Goulding advises parents to give children positive encouragement, and says: “Let them know you love them and they can talk to you if they need to, but if they want to talk to someone else that’s okay too.”

She says being positive includes listening without judgement , and suggests: “Say how pleased you are that they’ve managed to open up to you.”

8.  Empathy is key

Kirkbride says that helping the child feel that you understand what they must be feeling, so you have empathy with them, can really help.

She says: “Think about what might be going on for them, what they might be feeling, maybe using some empathic conjectures, as we call them in therapy, like ‘I wonder if you’re feeling like it’s really, really difficult to talk about this. I completely get it’. And ‘Sometimes I find it really difficult to talk about things too. But when you feel like you want to open up, I’m here’.

“And also you might want to say that you’re going to keep checking in, that ‘I don’t want to put pressure on you, but I think it’s really important that we talk about this. So I’m going to give you an hour or so, and then I’ll check in’.

“It’s about making them aware you think it’s really important that you talk about it. The empathy part is really important – you understand they might be struggling at the moment, and they might be finding it difficult, but actually you’re going to keep checking in. You want them to understand that you care.”

And Goulding adds: “Sometimes a child just needs to know you’re there and understand how they’re feeling. Remind them you love them and are proud of them.”

She stresses if your child is consistently struggling, for example you notice a sustained change in their behaviour, sleeping or eating patterns, or if they seem to be upset over a long period of time, it’s important to take it seriously.

“If you think your child needs professional support, speaking to their GP and school, and considering whether counselling or therapy might help, are good places to start,” she advises.

 YoungMinds’ parents’ free helpline is on 0808 802 5544.