Men aren’t signing up to singles nights – I launched my own and found out why
Dating has a problem – and the only people willing to fix it are women. Specifically, straight women, who are flocking in droves to singles nights around the world in an attempt to find a pleasant, emotionally available, and suitably untraumatised man. And yet, very often, this pursuit is futile, because the only other people there are single women like themselves, with little to talk about besides the mythological men who didn’t show up. As for those men, well, who knows? Perhaps they all decamped to a desert island without wifi.
This might sound hyperbolic. But it’s a realistic depiction of what’s going on in the dating industry right now. I know this because I’ve recently become a part of it, having launched my own singles nights last year. It started as an accident; I wrote a feature for Style about throwing a singles mixer for my straight female friends who, like me, were struggling to navigate our digital-first dating landscape. The organisation process hit a roadbump very quickly; after advertising the event on my social media accounts, I realised that the only people who were interested in coming along were straight women.
So, I decided to make it compulsory for them to bring a single man with them to secure their entry. That way, the onus was on them to find the men, and every man in attendance would have been vetted by a woman, which felt like a wise, feminist, safety-oriented perk. It worked – I’ve hosted five events so far (including one for queer women) under the name Red Lips Dating, because not only do I love a red lip but kissing someone with red lipstick often leaves a memorable mark, much like dating a forward-thinking, empowered, and independent woman. Try it yourself and see.
The events have been full but I’ve still hit roadblocks with men dropping out at the last minute, despite having paid for tickets and made commitments to their female friends, leaving the women struggling to find replacements. This is small fry compared to what other singles nights organisers deal with. Very few companies sell tickets in pairs like me (though I’ve noticed a few introducing this since I started Red Lips), and so often this means it’s a case of selling tickets separately for single women and single men.
In these instances, tickets for single women sell out almost instantly, whereas those for men linger in a limbo of perennial availability. Some event organisers have told me they’ve ended up with rooms full of single women vying for the attention of just a handful of men, while others have resorted to bribing male friends to attend, and some are literally just going out onto the street and approaching any men who walk past.
A super boring hot girl would probably do better at a speed dating event than a super boring hot boy
Matters are worse overseas, it seems, with The New York Times recently sending one of its reporters to a wine mixer where tickets for women cost $100, while men could attend for free. “I think the truth is that there are a lot more women out there interested in showing up for these dating events, and it’s not as easy to get men to show up,” said Luke Vander Ploeg in an episode of The Daily, claiming there were 15 women in attendance and just five men. If even freebies aren’t enough to get men to these events, what is? After all, it’s not like they don’t want to meet women.
“The most obvious explanation is time pressure,” says one single friend in his 30s. “Any woman looking to start a family is facing constraints that men just don’t have. The result is they end up being more open-minded to alternative, unusual, and, let’s face it, less romantic ways of meeting people than men because they want to get there faster. It’s not that men are put off, it’s just that there is less of a push to meet someone, and because a singles night is a slightly forced interaction, it’s easy to persuade yourself it’s a bit lame and unnecessary.”
It’s a brutal reality, but clearly one that resonates. “I think men just have less desire for singles nights,” posits another single male in his 30s who came along to one of my events. “We get all we need from dating apps, and those of us who don’t probably won’t have the confidence to go to a singles night where there are things like speed dating.” Gender norms could play a role, too, at least in terms of how men want to interact with women they’re attracted to. “I think more traditional men feel like it’s on them to be charming, funny, and cool in a limited time, while it’s on the women to just be hot. So the pressure is higher for the men. Like, a super boring hot girl would probably do better at a speed dating event than a super boring hot boy.”
But on dating apps, it seems the latter might have more luck. While men are typically represented more on dating apps than women, within my own social circles, it seems men certainly have the upper hand when it comes to dating apps. I know so many successful, smart, beautiful, single women, and increasingly few eligible men, giving the men an advantage that often results in bad behaviour; what incentive is there to commit to one person when you can have your pick of the litter?
It’s depressing, and in some cases, it is putting women off dating altogether – see the “boysober” movement, boyfriends becoming culturally “embarrassing”, and the litany of vaguely misandrist memes poking fun at callous male dating habits posted by women prioritising themselves over love. It’s no surprise they’re looking for love off the apps, while men are happy to stay on the apps.
Another male friend puts the lack of male interest in singles nights down to basic carnal desires. “I think women seem to be more proactively looking for a partner, whereas men often seem to be looking for sex, and if that ends up in a partner, then that’s nice, but it’s not the initial aim.”
These views are reflected at an expertise level, too, with dating coaches observing distinct differences in the ways single men and women approach meeting new people. One of the key reasons? Pride. “Many men still carry an internalised narrative that they ‘should not need’ an event to meet someone,” says relationship coach Lorin Krenn. “They want to believe that attraction will happen organically, through confidence, status, or social magnetism. Walking into a singles night can feel, to some, like an admission of failure. It touches something vulnerable.”
It’s an interesting set of ideas when you consider that, in the long-run, romantic relationships tend to matter more to men than women, at least according to one 2024 study published in the Behavioural and Brain Sciences journal. We also know that research has found single women tend to be happier than single men, whereas married men are twice as likely to be happy with their lives. All things considered, then, you’d think the motivation to attend a singles night would be very much there from the beginning.
I can say with some certainty that when single men do overcome their reservations, the results can be rather magical. I’ve seen it myself, noticing a shift in confidence over the course of the night, with initially nervous men eventually bounding right up to women and asking them out. I’ve seen couples snogging at bars at my events, and even seen some men interjecting in other conversations to ask women out. I’ve also been asked out at least once at every event I’ve hosted – make of that what you will.
The thing is, everyone is kind of cringed out by the idea at first, in the same way we all were when dating apps arrived. It’s awkward being in an environment where you know everyone is there to meet someone. But it’s also wonderful. Because everyone has actively put themselves out there. They’re throwing cringe to the wind and taking a risk in the name of finding a meaningful connection. So yes, it might take some getting used to, but perhaps this is simply a tidal shift in the dating landscape, one that women might be adapting to a little faster than men.
As I write this, I’m hours away from hosting my sixth singles night, which is very excitingly being held in partnership with Bumble. Yes, there have been dropouts, mostly from men. But thanks to a bit of help from single women rallying together, crowdsourcing from their workplaces and social networks, those spots were quickly filled. Maybe it’s easier to fix the problem with dating than we thought: the solution is just women helping each other. That feels pretty romantic to me.
