Finding the words: How to talk to children about grief
Talking about death isn’t easy. Talking about it to children can feel even harder. But helping children to understand loss is important – which is why grief education is being introduced to the school curriculum in England later this year. It’s a major step in helping children to navigate the impact and feelings around death and loss, an issue many families struggle with.
New research by Celebration Day – the annual national day held on the last Monday in May to encourage people to mark the memory of those no longer with us – found that 53 per cent of parents avoid talking directly to their children about death, instead using phrases like “gone to a better place.” A quarter (25 per cent) don’t feel confident having the conversation at all.
Grief is something that touches all of our lives at some point, including many children. An estimated 26,900 parents die each year in the UK. Children can also experience the loss of grandparents, siblings, friends and, of course, pets. While the instinct is to shield children from difficult situations, experts warn that silence around death could inadvertently be causing them harm, leaving them confused and ill-equipped to deal with loss.
Breaking the silence around death and loss
“As parents, we often think we’re protecting our children by softening the truth – saying things like ‘they’ve gone to sleep’ or ‘they’ve gone somewhere better’,” says Julia Samuel, psychotherapist and host of the Therapy Works podcast. “But this can create fear and confusion.”
“Children take things literally. If you tell them someone has gone to sleep, they may become frightened of going to bed. If you say someone has gone somewhere better, they can start to wonder why they can’t go there too.”
Funeral director John Adams, host of podcast ‘Death: A Changing Industry’ and advisor to Child Bereavement UK, was one of the leading campaigners lobbying to get grief onto the school curriculum. “For too long, society has avoided conversations around death and grief, often with the best intentions,” he says. “But silence can leave children confused, isolated and emotionally unprepared when loss inevitably touches their lives. Children do not need protecting from the truth, they need support, compassion and age-appropriate conversations which help them understand that grief is a natural part of life.”
Finding the words to support young people
To help start these conversations, Celebration Day has launched a free ‘Finding the Words’ toolkit for schools and families. The collection of resources is designed to help teachers and parents have sensitive conversations with children about grief, through creative activities such as memory box making and storytelling. The initiative was developed in partnership with leading organisations, including The Mulberry Bush, a charity supporting troubled and traumatised children, and Hospice UK, who represent more than 200 hospices across the UK.
“What children really need is honesty, in simple, clear language,” explains Julia Samuel. “This pack helps give parents and teachers the tools to explain that it’s OK to feel sad, to ask questions, and to remember the person they’re mourning.”
Lindsey Burrow, widow of rugby league legend and Motor Neurone Disease campaigner Rob Burrow, also helped Celebration Day develop the pack after supporting her three children through the death of their father in 2024. “Children are far more resilient than we give them credit for,” she says. “But they need honest conversations to make sense of what’s happened.”
Recently, Lindsey visited Winterslow CofE (Aided) Primary School near Salisbury, which is piloting the ‘Finding the Words’ resource pack, helping pupils start conversations around grief and celebrate the people they love and miss.
“When grief isn’t spoken about, it can become confusing and frightening,” says Lindsey. “Talking openly helps children understand their feelings, feel less alone, and build the emotional tools they need to cope with loss – not just now, but throughout their lives.”
Tommy T, a special educational needs (SEN) teacher and content creator with over four million followers across TikTok, YouTube and Instagram says many of his pupils have experienced loss. “I have had many students lose someone close to them and have had to help console and guide them through such a difficult period. These resources will now give me the confidence to feel I am saying the correct things and signposting them to the best aftercare.”
A national moment of remembrance
The ‘Finding the Words’ pack is just one of the ways Celebration Day is trying to create more positive conversations around death. Every year, on the last Monday in May, Celebration Day encourages people to pause and remember those no longer with us.
This year, at 7pm, the nation raised a glass, cup or mug for The Big Toast to mark the memory of someone special. A host of celebrities and public figures joined in and shared videos of their toasts, including Sir Stephen Fry, Dame Prue Leith, Sir Mo Farah, Rob Brydon and Ellie Simmons. While stars such as Ophelia Lovibond, Joanna Scanlon and Alison Steadman OBE, and poets Lucas Jones, Donna Ashworth and Hussain Manawer read poems as a tribute to loved ones lost.
Another participant was rugby player Meg Jones, who lost both her mother and father shortly before her World Cup triumph. “Losing my mum and dad was incredibly tough, but it taught me how important it is to talk about it,” she says. “I’m a firm believer that grief and joy can coexist. I think for us to continue to celebrate loved ones is probably exactly what we need. The more we talk, it helps us know that death is normal, and the less frightening it becomes.”
To download the free ‘Finding the Words’ pack, and for more information about The Big Toast, visit Celebration Day or follow @Celebrationdayuk on Instagram and YouTube.
