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From AR Rahman-Saira Banu to Aishwaryaa Rajinikanth-Dhanush: Why long-term marriages are falling apart – Times of India
Celebrities are not just an inspiration to many but their fans and followers are also deeply interested to know what’s happening in their personal and professional lives. Be it a new-found love or trouble in their paradise, people want to know it all. Over the years, many popular celebrity couples have not only gotten married but also parted ways due to many reasons– be it infidelity or falling out of love. It is often said that the seven-year-itch is real in marriages. For the unversed, Cambridge Dictionary describes this common phrase as, “a married person who has the seven-year itch is feeling unhappy with their marriage after seven years, and is considering having a sexual relationship with another person”. And, this often leads to separation and divorce. However, more recently many celebrity couples seem to be parting ways after being together for decades and the news of their divorce often comes as a shock to many. For instance, billionaire-philanthropist Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates shocked people across the world in 2021 when they officially announced their divorce after 27 years of marriage. In India too, many couples called it quits after several years of their wedding: Malaika Arora and Arbaaz Khan were married for 18 years before divorcing each other; AR Rahman and Saira Banu were married for 29 years and announced their separation this month; and more recently, Aishwaryaa Rajinikanth and Dhanush were granted divorced after 18 years of marriage.
Often called grey divorce, since these couples part their ways after decades of being together and having a family together, this seems to be quite shocking and painful not just for them and their immediate families, but also to their friends and fans.
Grey divorce happens when a couple divorces after spending a long time together in a marriage or when they are 50 years or older. This phenomenon has recently been on the rise, and the term is increasingly used in celebrity circles and social media. In this scenario, the couple is often referred to as ‘silver splitters’
Dr. Kausar Shaik, Counselling Psychologist at Fernandez Hospital, told us.
More recently, rumours are rife about former Miss World and actress Aishwarya Rai and actor Abhishek Bachchan parting their ways after over 15 years of marriage. While both Aishwarya and Abhishek, and their respective families, have refrained from commenting on it, netizens are speculating various reasons that indicate towards their split: Aishwarya and her daughter Aaradhya arrived separately and did not pose with the Bachchan family for the paparazzi at Anant and Radhika Ambani’s wedding in July this year; rumours of Abhishek dating fellow actress Nimrat Kaur’, or Aishwarya dropping ‘Bachchan’ from her surname and only being officially referred to as Aishwarya Rai.
अभिषेक बच्चन ने तलाक की खबरों के बीच की पत्नी ऐश्वर्या राय की तारीफ, कहा- लकी हूं, वो आराध्या को संभालती हैं
It is often believed that after spending years together, couples would know each other well thus having a strong bond. However, with the rising cases of grey divorces, it seems this isn’t true always. And so, we asked Dr. Kausar Shaik the reasons for grey divorces, to which she replied, “Couples stay together for a long period and may have different reasons for doing so. However, it is crucial to understand that at least one among these seemingly ‘happy’ couples might have been unhappy in their marriage. Eventually, their changing needs, growing differences, or unfulfilled expectations push them towards separation.”
Elaborating further, she said, “Although the reasons for a grey divorce will differ from one couple to the other, some common grounds witnessed among couples include:
1. Financial independence
In the current socio-economic milieu, more number of women are financially independent and secure. Hence, financial dependency on a partner is no longer a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.
2. Empty nest
Many couples choose to stay together for the sake of their children. Divorce becomes a comparatively easy affair once the children are grown and establish an independent life away from their parents.
3. Changing expectations
Our expectations of marriage have evolved as a society. There is a greater need for overall happiness and fulfilment and less motivation to tolerate and adjust to difficulties in a marriage.
4. Infidelity
This is a no-brainer. It is a struggle to stay in a marriage in such situations.
5. Increased life expectancy
With increased longevity, many look ahead at the remaining years and wish to start afresh and seek a better life.”
But if weddings are rosy, then divorces are messy and painful. More so, if you are a celebrity whose life events are being watched and judged by hundreds of people.
There are many stages of grief. It’s sad, that something coming to an end. It cracks you open, in a way— cracks you open to feeling. When you try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I’m a human being, having a human experience in front of the world. I wish it weren’t in front of the world. I try really hard to rise above it
Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston said in one of her first interviews in 2005 after her split with Brad Pitt
And grey divorces might be harder to get over– not just for the two people involved in it, but also for their children and families.
Separation is not an easy phase to go through. It comes with several challenges, and it can take a toll on one’s emotional and physical well-being. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, and hopelessness could be natural fallouts, and it is important to address these
said Dr Kausar Shaik
American writer Rita Mae Brown once said, “Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash”, and sadly this is true. And so, “After one decides to get a divorce, one should consider securing their finances, get clarity on property divisions, and understand the legal implications,” said Dr Kausar Shaik. “Grey divorce will also bring changes in family dynamics. One has to be prepared to deal with their kids and how they will perceive this change,” she added.
Whatever the reason for couples to call it quits after years of togetherness, a person involved in a grey divorce needs to realise that the end of a marriage is not the end of the world. What matters the most is how they rise back in life. As author J.K. Rowling once said, “And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
Adding to this and talking about how one can cope with loneliness after a grey divorce or while going through it, Dr Kausar Shaik said, “When one goes through the grief of separation, it is necessary to seek help. Loneliness is not a kind emotion. Thus, one should find ways to overcome it, be it meeting old friends, making new ones, moving closer to family/ relatives if possible, nurturing hobbies, learning new skills, taking up new professional projects, or remembering to keep one’s life going.”
But what if you are someone who’s parents are ‘silver splitters’? What are you supposed to do?
Know that you don’t have to take sides. Take care of your feelings, seek support, and give yourself time to accept what has happened
Dr Kausar Shaik replied.
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