What Is Ghostlighting? The Subtle ‘Orange Flag’ Your Relationship May Be Toxic

Last Updated:December 02, 2025, 14:51 IST

Ghostlighting reveals that a person wants access to you without the responsibility that comes with consistency.

You know that unsettling feeling when someone pulls away, disappears for a while, and then strolls back into your life as if nothing happened? No apology.  No acknowledgement of the confusion they left behind, no explanation, just an effortless continuation of the last conversation you had weeks ago. That quiet discomfort you feel in such moments is not random. It has a name now: ghostlighting.

What Is Ghostlighting?

The word sounds like a mashup of ghosting and gaslighting, and it is, but it perfectly captures a behaviour that has existed long before social media or text messages. It sits somewhere between benign inconsistency and emotional manipulation, making it one of the hardest relationship patterns to identify.

You’re not being fully ghosted, yet not quite respected enough to be given clarity. You’re not being gaslit, yet something about their return leaves you doubting your own expectations.

Ruchi Ruuh, counselling psychologist and relationship expert, explains, “Ghostlighting, as the name suggests, is a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. That means in an active conversation, when someone starts pulling away or disappears for an indefinite time, and then they subtly come back and make you feel like you’re imagining it.”

“The process is very simple. They vanish, they come back with excuses, they minimise or even mock your feelings, and they can always point out that you are overthinking,” she adds.

Ghostlighting begins with silence. Sometimes it is sudden, sometimes it creeps in slowly. Messages go unanswered, calls are ignored, and the person who seemed attentive just days ago becomes a shadow version of themselves.

You wait. You rationalise. You replay the last conversation to check if you said something wrong.

And just when you have almost convinced yourself to move on, they reappear with a casual “Hey, what are you up to?” or “Sorry, been busy”. The message is simple, almost disarmingly normal, as if their absence didn’t exist at all.

What makes ghostlighting one of the most toxic behaviours in a relationship is not the silence itself; it is the pretence that nothing happened.

Their return is smooth, almost too smooth. No acknowledgement of the gap. No space for your discomfort. No opening for you to express the confusion you’ve been carrying.

If you do bring it up, they often brush it aside with a laugh, a vague excuse, or a gentle nudge that you’re “reading too much into things”. And just like that, you start wondering: Am I really making this a bigger deal than it is?

That internal questioning is why ghostlighting is considered an “orange flag”. It is not instantly toxic, but a sign of deeper emotional unavailability.

It reveals a person who wants access to you without the responsibility that comes with consistency. Someone who enjoys connection, but only on their terms. Someone for whom silence is easier than conversation, and return is easier than accountability.

Why People Ghostlight?

Ghostlighting often occurs with people who struggle with emotional intimacy or confrontation. They are not always malicious; sometimes they are simply overwhelmed, unsure, or accustomed to relationships where disappearing is normalised.

“People do it because they feel uncomfortable in conversation, or they are talking to multiple people. They feel in the digital world, people feel entitled to inconsistent conversations, but they still want to keep the door open whenever they feel like coming back,” says Ruuh.

But intentional or not, the emotional impact is the same. You are left in a state of limbo: never fully abandoned, but never fully secure either.

What Does It Do To You?

Over time, this pattern quietly erodes your confidence. You begin lowering your expectations so you don’t seem “demanding”. You shrink your needs to avoid “pressure”.

You become overly understanding, overly forgiving, overly grateful for breadcrumbs of attention. And without realising it, you start adapting to a version of the relationship where your emotional discomfort becomes the norm.

What makes ghostlighting particularly harmful is that it blurs the line between acceptable inconsistency and subtle manipulation. A one-off disappearance can be circumstantial; a recurring cycle becomes a dynamic.

And if the person repeatedly returns without acknowledging the impact of their silence, the relationship shifts into a space where your feelings are always secondary to their convenience.

The truth is simpler than the confusion makes it feel: Someone who values you doesn’t vanish without thought. And someone who respects you doesn’t return without explanation.

Ghostlighting is not about the silence; it’s about what the silence implies. It signals a relationship where communication lacks honesty, presence lacks reliability, and clarity is replaced with comfort-driven avoidance. It’s a reminder that affection without accountability is not connection, it is convenience.

Noticing this pattern early gives you the chance to protect your emotional space before the orange flag turns glaring red. You deserve relationships where people show up fully, not occasionally. Where consistency is not a favour. Where your feelings are acknowledged, not tiptoed around. Where presence is intentional, not intermittent.

And most importantly, you deserve clarity because love, in any healthy form, does not disappear and reappear like a flickering light.

About the Author

Surbhi Pathak

Surbhi Pathak, subeditor, writes on India, world affairs, science, and education. She is currently dabbling with lifestyle content. Follow her on X: @S_Pathak_11.

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The word sounds like a mashup of ghosting and gaslighting, and it is, but it perfectly captures a behaviour that has existed long before social media or text messages. It sits somewhere between benign inconsistency and emotional manipulation, making it one of the hardest relationship patterns to identify.

You’re not being fully ghosted, yet not quite respected enough to be given clarity. You’re not being gaslit, yet something about their return leaves you doubting your own expectations.

Ruchi Ruuh, counselling psychologist and relationship expert, explains, “Ghostlighting, as the name suggests, is a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. That means in an active conversation, when someone starts pulling away or disappears for an indefinite time, and then they subtly come back and make you feel like you’re imagining it.”

“The process is very simple. They vanish, they come back with excuses, they minimise or even mock your feelings, and they can always point out that you are overthinking,” she adds.

Ghostlighting begins with silence. Sometimes it is sudden, sometimes it creeps in slowly. Messages go unanswered, calls are ignored, and the person who seemed attentive just days ago becomes a shadow version of themselves.

You wait. You rationalise. You replay the last conversation to check if you said something wrong.

And just when you have almost convinced yourself to move on, they reappear with a casual “Hey, what are you up to?” or “Sorry, been busy”. The message is simple, almost disarmingly normal, as if their absence didn’t exist at all.

What makes ghostlighting one of the most toxic behaviours in a relationship is not the silence itself; it is the pretence that nothing happened.

Their return is smooth, almost too smooth. No acknowledgement of the gap. No space for your discomfort. No opening for you to express the confusion you’ve been carrying.

If you do bring it up, they often brush it aside with a laugh, a vague excuse, or a gentle nudge that you’re “reading too much into things”. And just like that, you start wondering: Am I really making this a bigger deal than it is?

That internal questioning is why ghostlighting is considered an “orange flag”. It is not instantly toxic, but a sign of deeper emotional unavailability.

It reveals a person who wants access to you without the responsibility that comes with consistency. Someone who enjoys connection, but only on their terms. Someone for whom silence is easier than conversation, and return is easier than accountability.

Why People Ghostlight?

Ghostlighting often occurs with people who struggle with emotional intimacy or confrontation. They are not always malicious; sometimes they are simply overwhelmed, unsure, or accustomed to relationships where disappearing is normalised.

“People do it because they feel uncomfortable in conversation, or they are talking to multiple people. They feel in the digital world, people feel entitled to inconsistent conversations, but they still want to keep the door open whenever they feel like coming back,” says Ruuh.

But intentional or not, the emotional impact is the same. You are left in a state of limbo: never fully abandoned, but never fully secure either.

What Does It Do To You?

Over time, this pattern quietly erodes your confidence. You begin lowering your expectations so you don’t seem “demanding”. You shrink your needs to avoid “pressure”.

You become overly understanding, overly forgiving, overly grateful for breadcrumbs of attention. And without realising it, you start adapting to a version of the relationship where your emotional discomfort becomes the norm.

What makes ghostlighting particularly harmful is that it blurs the line between acceptable inconsistency and subtle manipulation. A one-off disappearance can be circumstantial; a recurring cycle becomes a dynamic.

And if the person repeatedly returns without acknowledging the impact of their silence, the relationship shifts into a space where your feelings are always secondary to their convenience.

The truth is simpler than the confusion makes it feel: Someone who values you doesn’t vanish without thought. And someone who respects you doesn’t return without explanation.

Ghostlighting is not about the silence; it’s about what the silence implies. It signals a relationship where communication lacks honesty, presence lacks reliability, and clarity is replaced with comfort-driven avoidance. It’s a reminder that affection without accountability is not connection, it is convenience.

Noticing this pattern early gives you the chance to protect your emotional space before the orange flag turns glaring red. You deserve relationships where people show up fully, not occasionally. Where consistency is not a favour. Where your feelings are acknowledged, not tiptoed around. Where presence is intentional, not intermittent.

And most importantly, you deserve clarity because love, in any healthy form, does not disappear and reappear like a flickering light.

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