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‘Expectations are too high’: Readers on why they’ve giving up on dating
Olivia Petter’s deep dive into why men are stepping back from dating – and why women are fed up too – clearly struck a nerve with Independent readers, who painted a vivid picture of a modern dating scene in freefall.
Many readers said the real culprit isn’t men or women, but the screens between us.
Dating apps and social media were blamed for funnelling people into echo chambers, fuelling cynicism and making it far too easy to judge, ghost or dismiss someone without ever having a real conversation.
Others argued that expectations on both sides have ballooned to impossible heights, creating a “me me me” culture where no one wants to compromise – yet everyone expects perfection.
Long-term couples chimed in with stories proving that relationships flourish when you accept each other as you are, and stop trying to “fix” people, learning to meet in the middle.
Several readers raised the issue of dishonesty online, from old photos to unresolved emotional baggage, while older commenters questioned how many people on dating sites are even serious about meeting.
And amid all this, some worried that young men now fear speaking to women at all – leaving a generation feeling lonelier than ever.
Here’s what you had to say:
Put the phone down
Basically too much internet and “social” network skew expectations on both sides. The solution is not the AI-generated partner, but putting the phone down.
Siloed in cocoons
People are far too siloed in their own cocoons, reading and hearing only what they believe in – what validates themselves. It is far too easy to gather the posse and dis on a prospective partner behind closed screens, rather than actually communicate.
I mean, when you actually communicate, you might encounter someone who doesn’t agree with your way of thinking… I mean, that’s harsh, right? It only gets worse when you get into the golden years – add all of the baggage and bad habits learned over a lifetime!
Back to the ‘90s
Funny how all these amazing inventions that were meant to make our lives better have done the opposite. Time to move back to the 1990s.
Ditch your socials and get back to the pub, gigs and clubs. Speak to people in real life. Get drunk and have fun. Find someone with similar interests, move in together, have babies, get divorced, start again!
Algorithms loaded against us
Dating apps, of course, don’t see members finding their match as a positive outcome – they are invested in us moving on and continuing to search – so maybe the algorithms are loaded against us…
Expectations are too high on both sides
Expectations are too high on both sides. At 72 and 21 years of marriage it just gets better. Both of us came out of disastrous marriages when we met in the pub on a Friday night with our own friends. As for being difficult, my wife refused my offer of marriage several times – once with me on my knee in the pub and in front of both of our mates. Added to which, when she did say yes, I managed to get a Tudor estate at short notice for the big party she’d asked for. Unbeknown to me, she’d bought her wedding outfit a whole year before agreeing to marry me. Talk about difficulty! Wouldn’t change her for a princehood.
Me me me
None of this is new; the only difference is the way people face it and the erroneous perception that everything is available with a simple swipe. People still go to school, uni, work, clubbing, on holiday – so they can meet others in the same way we did in the past.
It was not complicated: you fell in love, you waited a bit to check that it wasn’t a fad and you shacked up/married. You took the person, warts and all, and made an effort. The rewards compensated for the annoyances. All that happens with this me me me attitude is that you end up just you you you with nobody else.
Relationships are actually quite simple
Relationships are, in my experience, actually quite simple. Accept the fact that the person you are in a relationship with is someone you chose, and as such do not, under any circumstances, try to change who they are or how they behave. If you embark on a relationship with the idea that you can fix someone up, forget it. It won’t work. You’ll likely spend years with both of you being unhappy and it’ll end horribly.
Who is serious on dating sites?
Late 70s and still feeling 60-ish, it’s a lot more difficult. My last date – I was getting on really well with her – all of a sudden she chose a new puppy instead of me. Why she couldn’t have had us both, she didn’t bother explaining.
Perhaps that was a good thing for me in the long run, but it does make you wonder how many on the dating sites for oldies are really serious.
A sad indictment of my sex
From the viewpoint of being a single 60+ male, the article makes some good points. A sad indictment of my sex!
In respect of the dating-app merry-go-round negasphere, I look on with some sadness and not a little despair. From my own experience, and from talking to my female friends who are also in that dating-app world, there seems to be little honesty (old photos, lying about age/height and personal circumstances, etc.) from both men and women.
From my standpoint, if you can’t be honest about who you are, then you’re not in the right place to be in any relationship. Being dishonest on your profile is a massive red flag, in my honest opinion.
From my observation of my age cohort of men, there do seem to be rather a lot with little or no emotional growth and a propensity to carry their baggage of the past like it’s some sort of trophy. Gentlemen, the past is a life lesson, not a life sentence, and carrying all that resentment and anger is like taking poison and expecting the other person (presumably your ex) to die. As the song in Frozen says, let it go!
Be genuine, learn to like/love yourself and accept that not everyone is for you. Don’t indulge in endless messaging back and forth on the app – go and meet each other, as that’s the real litmus test. I’d love to find that ‘rest of my life’ person and certainly haven’t given up hoping to find them. I accept that there will need to be some compromise on both sides and, for the right person, that’s going to be so worth it.
Lonely, isolated people
My 20-year-old grandson is a very kind, intelligent soul – not a pushover, but just a good person studying engineering. He says that men his age hardly dare speak to women now because of aggressive reactions and because of so much toxic social media.
What a sad state of affairs. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned friendship, maybe leading to something more permanent? When my children were young, they had groups of friends of both sexes and healthy friendships, nothing sexual until appropriate, no pressures. So many lonely, isolated people these days. Very sad.
Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.
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