IIT Bombay student death reopens debate on academic pressure: What parents should say when a child feels theyve failed

New Delhi: The death of a student at IIT Bombay has renewed conversation around the emotional and psychological toll that academic expectations, competition and career uncertainty can take on young people. Mental health professionals say that when a student feels they have failed, the first response from parents and teachers should be empathy and reassurance, not criticism, comparison or added pressure. A poor exam result, an academic setback, or doubt about a career path should never become a measure of a student’s self-worth.

Neelam Mishra, RCI-licensed consultant clinical and rehabilitation neuropsychologist at Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, says parents should first listen rather than immediately trying to correct or solve the problem.

She reveals, “When a student says, ‘I have failed,’ parents should first listen rather than immediately trying to correct or solve the problem. Statements such as ‘You didn’t work hard enough’, ‘Look at how well other students are doing’, ‘We have done so much for you’ or ‘It is only one exam, why are you taking it so seriously?’ may appear harmless, but at a vulnerable moment they can make a young person feel misunderstood or judged.”

“Parents can instead say, ‘I am here with you’, ‘We will work through this together’ and ‘Your marks do not define your worth.’ The focus should be on understanding what the student is experiencing and helping them see that setbacks can be addressed and that there can be multiple paths towards a fulfilling future.”

Experts advise parents and teachers to take warning signs seriously rather than dismissing them as normal academic stress.

If a student talks about wanting to die or hurt themselves, expresses hopelessness or worthlessness, suddenly withdraws from family and friends, or shows a significant change in behaviour, an adult should respond calmly and directly.

She says, “If an adult suspects that a student may be at risk of self-harm, they should not leave the student alone if there is an immediate safety concern. They should listen without judgement, ask directly and calmly whether the student is thinking about hurting themselves, and connect them with a qualified mental-health professional or emergency support. Asking about self-harm does not mean putting the idea into a student’s mind. What should be avoided is scolding, threatening, shaming, dismissing the concern or telling the student to simply ‘be strong’. The priority should be safety, connection and timely professional intervention.”

Parents and teachers also have an important role in helping students understand that academic performance is only one part of life. 

A failed examination, backlog, rejected admission, change of course or career uncertainty does not necessarily determine long-term outcomes.

Neelam Mishra says, “Young people often experience academic setbacks as permanent because they are looking at the present through the pressure of the moment. Adults can help by broadening that perspective. One examination, one semester, or one career decision does not define an entire life. Students should be encouraged to see setbacks as experiences from which they can learn, reassess their choices, and explore alternative pathways. The message should be consistent: ‘This is difficult, but it is not the end of your story.’ At the same time, persistent distress should not be dismissed as a phase; professional psychological support should be sought when needed.”

Experts recommend avoiding comparisons with siblings, friends or classmates, as well as statements that minimise the student’s distress. 

Phrases such as “Everyone goes through this,” “You are overreacting,” “Think about how much your parents have sacrificed,” “Others have it worse,” or “Just focus and move on” can unintentionally shut down communication.

Instead, adults can ask open-ended questions such as “What has been weighing on you?”, “How can I support you right now?” and “Would you like us to speak to someone who can help?”

The objective is not to remove every academic challenge from a student’s life, but to ensure that students do not feel that their worth, identity or future depends on a single result.

Dr Samant Darshi, Psychiatrist and De addiction Specialist at Psymate Healthcare Noida, says, “Adults should never overlook symptoms such as withdrawal, depression, anxiety, excessive crying, feeling hopeless, panic attacks, cutting, talking about dying or committing suicide, dramatic changes in behavior, dropping grades, the inability to focus, and disinterest in previously enjoyed activities. Phrases like “I can’t do this anymore” and “Everyone would be happier without me” should raise red flags and seek professional help immediately.”

According to Dr Samant, typical test anxiety is generally short-term and may improve with studying, rest or once the examination is over.

“Typical test anxiety is short-term and gets better by studying, resting, or after taking the test. Severe distress is long-lasting and makes life hard for a student, interferes with sleep, affects relationship and appetite, makes it hard to concentrate, and causes the student to miss school. When anxiety or sadness lasts for weeks, becomes severe, and involves self-harm, hopelessness, or thoughts of suicide, it is time to find professional help,” says Dr Samant.

Dr Samant says academic success can become closely linked to a student’s identity, self-worth, future opportunities, and parental expectations.

He says, “Academic success is often an important part of some students’ identities or sense of self, self-worth, future opportunities, and/or parents’ expectations. The fear of failing to meet those expectations can produce severe shame. Test anxiety, perfectionism, being bullied, comparing oneself to peers, learning disabilities, family pressure, past failures, or anxiety can turn regular academic problems into a crisis.”

Dr Samant says, “Parents and teachers need to be aware of drastic changes such as excessive or insufficient amounts of sleep, no appetite or dramatic change in appetite, avoidance of friends, withdrawal from others, increased irritability and crying, decreased communication, school absences, lack of interest in anything, or giving away one’s belongings. More than one drastic change combined with expressions of hopelessness or self-injury demands immediate professional intervention.”

Important: If a student is in immediate danger or may act on thoughts of self-harm, they should not be left alone. Seek urgent professional or emergency support rather than attempting to manage the situation only through conversation.

(Discussions on suicides can be triggering for some. But suicides are preventable. If you are looking for help, some suicide prevention helpline numbers in India are 011-40769002 from Sanjivini (Delhi-based, 10 am – 5.30 pm) and 044-24640050 from Sneha Foundation (Chennai-based, 8 am – 10 pm), +91 9999666555 from Vandrevala Foundation (Mumbai-based, 24×7).

(This article is meant for informational purposes only and must not be considered a substitute for advice provided by qualified medical professionals. Always seek the advice of your doctor for any questions about medical conditions.)